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Things you should know before dating a Chinese girl raised in China


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#1 MrFantabulous

Posted 27 August 2009 - 08:18 AM

I've found a website that is the most accurate (and researched) information I've ever come across about dating Chinese girls.  Lots of it was a real eye-opener.. as I can see some of these behaviors in my own wife.  I won't quote it all .just visit the website:
Narcissistic types chinese women

Pathological Narcissism and Grandiose Self Defenses

The single-child policy combined with pervasive traditional Confucian values and beliefs in regard to the superiority of males has led to some rather pathological cultural-specific dynamics in regard to Chinese female psychosocial and personality development.

In particular I found this section interesting.  Have you experienced it in your own dating history here?  

If you read on the other parts of the website...   there is also lots of important statistical info about what kind of girls you are likely to meet and an english speaking expat in China. . and how they do not represent the average girl in CHina.  Also about how "casual dating" and virginity are perceived and practiced in China.   Really wish I'd found this webpage LONG before I started dating in China!

Advertisement: Professional, ethical Expat personals in China

#2 hobbler

Posted 27 August 2009 - 09:58 AM

These look like they can apply to more than just Chinese women.  My wife isn't Chinese and has some of the traits they're talking about.

#3 MrFantabulous

Posted 27 August 2009 - 03:00 PM

Well certainly it would apply to places like Singapore and Malaysia with large Chinese populations. .and I'm sure some of the phenomena can happen with any women raised in a similar family environment.   Also might be some common cultural trends with other parts of asia.. I don't know enough about other Asian cultures to confirm.

#4 yohan

Posted 28 August 2009 - 12:37 PM

Quote

In our current study, not one of the 144 female respondents indicated a strong or exclusive preference for dating and marrying a foreign man and only 4.2% indicated even a moderate preference for dating and marrying a Westerner. About 32% stated that it didn't matter either way (no preference based on race or culture) and another 48.6% indicated a preference for a Chinese man but stated that they would consider a foreigner "if the right one came along" (ibid). The most common reasons stated for these findings were "parents would never agree to a foreigner," "too many cultural differences leading to problems later on," and "difficulty communicating."
It's a nice reading, but nothing really new.
I would not call 144 female respondents to be a reliable research however.

It is true that many mainland Chinese women prefer a relationship with overseas Chinese only, or at least want to meet somebody who can communicate in Chinese language.

For sure for this all nobody can blame the single-child-policy in China.

Also let me say, a huge number of Western women fit this description....

http://middlekingdom...inese-women.htm

Consciously feels and maintains a grandiose self of self-importance.  etc.etc.
Consciously feels damaged and constantly devalues self, e.g., “I wish I was prettier,” etc.etc.
Relationships are difficult under the best of circumstances and, as we all know, the divorce rate in North America is higher than 50 percent: Add to that mix the myriad of cross-cultural differences you two will have to face together and life doesn't get any easier.etc.etc.

Such 'crazy-grrl' stuff to read you find in any MRA or otherwise anti-feminist forum or blog on the internet.
And of course it's the fault of the father, beating his little daughter...
The usual tear-making story...

Under my father’s constant shouts of anger and beatings, my self-confidence and self-esteem were blown to pieces. Because of his unpredictable temper, I never knew security

and this note on the same page is not always true....

Quote

[size="2"]14[/size]Although this financial obligation is far greater in regard to the families of Thai and Filipino girls. Groom's in Thailand are expected to pay the bride's family a significant betrothal dowry, which ranges considerably in value depending on the status of the girl and her family, and, in the Philippines, husbands are expected to contribute a monthly sum to the upkeep of the girl's family in what is referred to as "sustento" or sustenance.

In Thailand, a Thai man will only pay for a virgin living with her parents, as far as I know, otherwise not.

In Philippines, I can assure you, that most mothers (not to talk about fathers), and minor sisters/brothers will hardly see any support, after the full-age daughter decides to move out and to marry.
I can see this all the time with all these poor people I know in Cebu - maybe different with the high society, I don't know...but I doubt if rich Filipino families are supporting rich Filipino families, only because one has a son and one has a daughter.

Edited by yohan, 28 August 2009 - 12:42 PM.


#5 Uncle Gweilo

Posted 28 August 2009 - 01:02 PM

View PostMrFantabulous, on 27 August 2009 - 08:18 AM, said:

I won't quote it all .just visit the website:
Narcissistic types chinese women





Thanks for posting this, MrF. Looks like I've got a LOT of reading to do. The entire website is huge and, on the face of it, is deserving of a bit of my attention to it. Seems to be quite a comprehensive and (in the light of my own ignorance) authoritative work on life in China- particularly for the ESL teacher.

#6 METHOS

Posted 28 August 2009 - 04:15 PM

I checked out the site. It's a good read for a 'general' take on Chinese culture/women. However, it should NOT be used as a rule by any means. -IMO.

#7 Genkaku

Posted 30 August 2009 - 03:19 PM

I browsed throuhg this site a few months ago, but I came across this after reading it again:

"Responsible Western men will bear in mind that Chinese girls who have lived with or even dated foreign men are extremely limited in their future marriage options if the relationship doesn't last. Most traditional Chinese men will immediately eliminate a woman as a potential future spouse if and when they learn she has had a former foreign boyfriend, even in the absence of sexual intercourse."

I found this to be pretty surprising.  Have you guys who have lived in China found this to be true or untrue?

#8 CupOfSoup

Posted 30 August 2009 - 06:35 PM

Yep Chinese chicks, I have had some experience with a few. Narcissistic types Chinese women, now that looks very interesting and true. I have many stories on this subject. Of coarse it is not true of all Chinese women and by no means are Chinese women the only women in the world who behave like this. One could say if she strongly denies this stereotype applies to her chances are it does.
Now I know you have never ever experienced a girl putting out on the first date and wanting, heck pressing hard to get married on the second have you? Of coarse not.
Sometimes things are exactly what they seem, What do you get by marrying her and what does she get, could there be a not so hidden agenda? What are you giving up? Is she giving anything up? What happens when things do not work out, this happens a lot. How does being married give card blanch to turn into a little Hitler. Ask any guy who has brought over a Chinese girl here to the USA if she has not changed once in America. I never have.
"From the Case Illustration 2: My own wife used to be physically violent with me quite a bit. Hitting and scratching, punching, even biting etc., (basically, the untamed 3 year old). One time she smacked me across the head with a heavy book on the bus, and brought blood to my forehead." I saw the exact same thing play out except it was a Chinese guy here in California , involved a baseball bat and the police. The Chinese guy went to jail and he was the victim of the baseball bat. He was the one who was the victim yet was branded the abuser.

Some online books I have found useful are The Great Female Con, How to Date Young Women: For Men over 35 and Women's Infidelity. While not specifically about Chinese girls it would still be very helpful in understanding women in genral.

#9 yohan

Posted 31 August 2009 - 06:36 AM

View PostGenkaku, on 30 August 2009 - 03:19 PM, said:

"Responsible Western men will bear in mind that Chinese girls who have lived with or even dated foreign men are extremely limited in their future marriage options if the relationship doesn't last. Most traditional Chinese men will immediately eliminate a woman as a potential future spouse if and when they learn she has had a former foreign boyfriend, even in the absence of sexual intercourse."

I found this to be pretty surprising.  Have you guys who have lived in China found this to be true or untrue?
I cannot comment on mainland China, but I can comment on Chinese people living in Malaysia and in Japan and in Canada and UK.

Many Chinese are indeed not much open to mixed race marriage, and many Chinese women prefer clearly a Chinese man when moving to overseas countries like UK or Canada, where the Chinese are the minority.

Somehow, many Chinese are quite seclusive, but Indian people regardless living in India or elsewhere are even more into marriage among their own ethnic group only, totally rejecting personal contacts with 'outsiders'.

Many Chinese parents are not happy if their children are dating non-Chinese people.

I would not say, that all Chinese are like that, but it is true that many Chinese families prefer to expand their family ties through marriage with other Chinese families and not with foreigners.

#10 rae1968

Posted 31 August 2009 - 11:26 AM

I only have a limited knowledge on this subject but I think it just depends on the girl. I visited Xian with my son as part of a group. We visited local schools and colleges. He was extremely popular with the girls everywhere we went. To be honest I was surprised at how bold some of them were trying to get his attention. (Don't worry gentleman I stayed far away so not to interfere.) We were at one college and he had a 19, 20 and 22 year old all trying to get this attention at the same time I couldn't believe it he's only 16. He is cute a real sweety, quiet, and respectful(not the kind of guy an American girl starts to appreciate till college). What surprised me even more was he was as just as popular with the adults.

One of the officials said to me "Your son is very popular with Chinese girls, I think he will have a Chinese girlfriend is this okay with you?" I told her the quality of the girl IE good family, education, and most importantly treats my son right is more important than her race.

#11 MrFantabulous

Posted 31 August 2009 - 02:00 PM

Yes I've found it to be true.   Actually I've never met a Chinese girl who had a foreigner boyfriend and then after had a Chinese boyfriend.  I know lots of girls in CHina and can't think of one who dated a Chinese guy after me.    Well except for one girl, she slept with me. . but I'm pretty sure she kept that secret and hasnt' told anyone. .and we had more of an affair or fling than BF/GF relationship.  

First of all Chinese guys don't want girls who have lost their virginity. .and then if they have slept with a foreigner that is even worse.  I'm a bit egocentric. .so I think it is because Chinese guys will find the girl has become too open minded, and liberated for him to want to deal with after she has experienced a relationship with a foreigner. .  Most of these girls don't seem to want to go back to a Chinese guy. .I don't' know if that is because they really prefer a foreigner or because they know deep down that most Chinese guys won't accept their past relationship.  

View PostGenkaku, on 30 August 2009 - 03:19 PM, said:

I browsed throuhg this site a few months ago, but I came across this after reading it again:

"Responsible Western men will bear in mind that Chinese girls who have lived with or even dated foreign men are extremely limited in their future marriage options if the relationship doesn't last. Most traditional Chinese men will immediately eliminate a woman as a potential future spouse if and when they learn she has had a former foreign boyfriend, even in the absence of sexual intercourse."

I found this to be pretty surprising.  Have you guys who have lived in China found this to be true or untrue?

View Postrae1968, on 31 August 2009 - 11:26 AM, said:



One of the officials said to me "Your son is very popular with Chinese girls, I think he will have a Chinese girlfriend is this okay with you?" I told her the quality of the girl IE good family, education, and most importantly treats my son right is more important than her race.

Your son might want to read some of the website I linked to if he plans to stay in China long.  Especially in a city like Xi'an where there are few foreigners.     It's easy for a "sweet" guy to become a "player" here. . because when you have lots of nice girls chasing you. . you can't decide which one to be with longterm and just start enjoying dating lots of different girls and not choosing any of them.

#12 METHOS

Posted 31 August 2009 - 08:50 PM

That is all, very true, MrFantabulous.

Rae - when I was 18, I had 28 and 30 year old women trying to pick me up. You may not want to interfere with your son in that regard, but you should watch out for him. He is still too young at 16. There are some women that you should keep away from your son. (at least, until he is old enough to know the difference)    :rolleyes:

#13 rae1968

Posted 31 August 2009 - 10:25 PM

I watched from a safe distance! :rolleyes:   LOL that way he could deny me if he wanted to! However more often than not he would tell them who I was. The girls actually seemed to like the idea his mom came with him. Do I need to mention he's ready to move to Xian? I think all the boys in the group were ready to move the girls liked it but not as much as the boys.

#14 yohan

Posted 01 September 2009 - 02:02 AM

View PostMETHOS, on 31 August 2009 - 08:50 PM, said:

....You may not want to interfere with your son in that regard, but you should watch out for him. He is still too young at 16. There are some women that you should keep away from your son. (at least, until he is old enough to know the difference)  
With 16 he should know already the difference between 'love' and 'paid services'.

Age of consent for both, boys and girls in my native EU country (Austria) is 14, but it is also 14 in Germany and Hungary and Italy and Bulgaria...some others have 15, like France, Poland, Danmark.

Parents do not even have a right to keep their children away....this is called rights of the child...

#15 METHOS

Posted 01 September 2009 - 02:10 AM

I wasn't referring to hookers, yohan.

Regardless of what the laws say, sometimes you have to think for yourself and not depend on what other people tell you is acceptable/appropriate etc. - especially as it applies to your children.

16 is a very young age; too young for sex in my opinion. It's very easy to make a stupid decision/mistake at that age and really ruin your future - or your life, even.

Enough with the facts/statistics, yohan. You are a father - what do you think about it, personally?

Edited by METHOS, 01 September 2009 - 02:11 AM.


#16 yohan

Posted 01 September 2009 - 02:33 AM

View PostMETHOS, on 01 September 2009 - 02:10 AM, said:

Regardless of what the laws say....

16 is a very young age; too young for sex in my opinion.

You are a father - what do you think about it, personally?
This is a good example of East - West differences.

You cannot ignore, what the laws say. But laws are totally different regarding parents/children in US-EU-Asia...

In UK/EU-countries you might face a lawsuit from authorities, if you try to keep your 16 year old children away from sex-activities, cruelty against the child is this called or somewhat like that. Or even your own children might suit you, for restricting their personal freedom.

If you look in the SNUG, you will see that I made a lot of such comments regarding the situation in Europe parents/children. There are plenty of 13 years old girls, going for abortion and parents do not have even a right to be informed.

On the other side, in USA, you have boys 16 years old in prison for 10 years or more for some sexual contacts with a girl who gave even full consent and was also 16 years old... the woman as victim, the boy as criminal, the other side of the story.

About myself? Well, it is easy, I am not living in USA, and I am not living in EU, but in Japan.

Parents rights are very strong here in Japan up to 20 years old (and there are so often complaints from Western child rights activists, anti-spanking groups etc. about that)  but I had my right to say yes or no - despite in Japan, age of consent is 13.

#17 deathraser

Posted 01 September 2009 - 07:02 AM

Thanks for posting this. Now at least I know what to expect if I want to date a Chinese girl raised in China. But I do not think this guide represents all the Chinese girls raised in China. It is rather subjective to me.


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